It's crazy, the thoughts that run thru your mind when you're awake, by yourself in a dark room at 2:30 in the morning, and all you can do is think. Think about your life, or from your view, lack there of. I have a lot of mixed emotions running thru me and an extremely high volume of thoughts running thru my mind.
My main mental focus has been thoughts of falsified happiness. From a blind eye looking thru a fogged glass, you may see an over all happy person when you look at me, but if you just simply wipe away your blurred vision you can see the true pain that lives within me. I know that Envy is one of the 7 deadly sins, but I hope that if I cover it up enough I may start to believe that I am not envious of another and that I won't have to face the judgement of God for that. It's hard to look at people and see that EVERYTHING you ever wanted, they have. It's even worse when those "people" are your friends. I try to be genuinely happy for them, but deep down inside, the tears fall and I'm wondering when it will finally happen for me. I have sometimes wondered what I've done so wrong to ppl that they rub my misery in my face, but then I realize that they are simply exclaiming their own excitement. It's like the very essence of my being is being tortured everyday, and there is nothing that I can do about it. I don't know what to do about it. Everyone always says pray for an answer, but how do you pray for something that some consider sinful?
Lately, there have been a lot of people coming in and out of my life. I know from past experience that I let ppl go for a reason, but somehow some of them, with a little charm, have made themselves reappear, and others, well I let them go because I was afraid to face them. I know that the saying goes that some ppl are only put in your life for a season....but how do you determine or know when that season is over? And when I say I was afraid to face them, it's not as if I was running from something shameful, more so me attempting to run from my emotions. But I guess you can never truly run from your emotions because they will always be there....sometimes haunting you.
I'm really sitting here gaining a headache with every passing second due to all of the thoughts passing through the portals of my mind, but there are tons more things bothering me. I am still trying to grasp the concept of "leading someone on". It's like come on now, we are all grown, there are no times for games. State your purpose from the beginning, it'll save you both lots of time and for some, heartache. I can surely tell you that majority of the walls built up around my heart are due to guys and their bs...and yes those same walls prevent warmth from reaching my heart and that's why it gets soooo COLD!
Other issues I am having a hard time dealing with are people "taking the easy way out". Come on now you guys....we all know by now Suicide is NOT a "real" easy way out. NOPE! matter of fact it causes more issues for those still living than whatever your reason for committing suicide could have been. THERE IS ALWAYS HELP AROUND, JUST SAY SOMETHING! nothing is worth taking your own life for! And secondly......If I hear one more person tell someone that is pregnant to get an abortion, I am going to scream! If you laid down, stood up, bent over, squatted, WHATEVER position you chose before spreading your legs, then you can handle the fact that sometimes you may get up, clean yourself off and walk away with an STD or PREGNANT! And if you were Woman enough to get ya freak on real quick then you BETTER and Need to be Woman enough to handle your business and and take care of business. Abortion is NOT the way! That is your child now! No amount of stories told about it not having breathed air or having a fully developed can change the fact that if you choose abortion you are vacuuming out your child. Abortion is killing innocence at it's purest. Don't taint the most precious thing about life!
....sigh...I think that last part just took everything out of me....so until the next time I keep it real.....Everyone be blessed and safe and think about your decisions before you make them!
*MUAH* Ne-Na B
Very true words, thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteA soul searching post.
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