Day 35 -Let's keep it a lil real...

It's crazy, the thoughts that run thru your mind when you're awake, by yourself in a dark room at 2:30 in the morning, and all you can do is think. Think about your life, or from your view, lack there of. I have a lot of mixed emotions running thru me and an extremely high volume of thoughts running thru my mind.

My main mental focus has been thoughts of falsified happiness. From a blind eye looking thru a fogged glass, you may see an over all happy person when you look at me, but if you just simply wipe away your blurred vision you can see the true pain that lives within me. I know that Envy is one of the 7 deadly sins, but I hope that if I cover it up enough I may start to believe that I am not envious of another and that I won't have to face the judgement of God for that. It's hard to look at people and see that EVERYTHING you ever wanted, they have. It's even worse when those "people" are your friends. I try to be genuinely happy for them, but deep down inside, the tears fall and I'm wondering when it will finally happen for me. I have sometimes wondered what I've done so wrong to ppl that they rub my misery in my face, but then I realize that they are simply exclaiming their own excitement. It's like the very essence of my being is being tortured everyday, and there is nothing that I can do about it. I don't know what to do about it. Everyone always says pray for an answer, but how do you pray for something that some consider sinful?

Lately, there have been a lot of people coming in and out of my life. I know from past experience that I let ppl go for a reason, but somehow some of them, with a little charm, have made themselves reappear, and others, well I let them go because I was afraid to face them. I know that the saying goes that some ppl are only put in your life for a season....but how do you determine or know when that season is over? And when I say I was afraid to face them, it's not as if I was running from something shameful, more so me attempting to run from my emotions. But I guess you can never truly run from your emotions because they will always be there....sometimes haunting you.

I'm really sitting here gaining a headache with every passing second due to all of the thoughts passing through the portals of my mind, but there are tons more things bothering me. I am still trying to grasp the concept of "leading someone on". It's like come on now, we are all grown, there are no times for games. State your purpose from the beginning, it'll save you both lots of time and for some, heartache. I can surely tell you that majority of the walls built up around my heart are due to guys and their bs...and yes those same walls prevent warmth from reaching my heart and that's why it gets soooo COLD!

Other issues I am having a hard time dealing with are people "taking the easy way out". Come on now you guys....we all know by now Suicide is NOT a "real" easy way out. NOPE! matter of fact it causes more issues for those still living than whatever your reason for committing suicide could have been. THERE IS ALWAYS HELP AROUND, JUST SAY SOMETHING! nothing is worth taking your own life for! And secondly......If I hear one more person tell someone that is pregnant to get an abortion, I am going to scream! If you laid down, stood up, bent over, squatted, WHATEVER position you chose before spreading your legs, then you can handle the fact that sometimes you may get up, clean yourself off and walk away with an STD or PREGNANT! And if you were Woman enough to get ya freak on real quick then you BETTER and Need to be Woman enough to handle your business and and take care of business. Abortion is NOT the way! That is your child now! No amount of stories told about it not having breathed air or having a fully developed can change the fact that if you choose abortion you are vacuuming out your child. Abortion is killing innocence at it's purest. Don't taint the most precious thing about life!

....sigh...I think that last part just took everything out of me....so until the next time I keep it real.....Everyone be blessed and safe and think about your decisions before you make them!

*MUAH* Ne-Na B

Day 33.....

Today, I came to the realization that I have commitment issues. I've been giving my "best" but my best isn't good enough anymore. It's making me miss out on some great things in life. As I recollected on my life I noticed that I was never able to and have never committed to doing anything and follow through and I have never made a commitment to anyone, including myself. This is a huge issue for me. If I plan on having a progressive life, I need to learn how to commit. I can never get married and have the family that I want with a burden such as this on my back. As I think deeper into this, I find that the real issue is trust. I don't trust myself, nor do I trust others.

How do I get past this point? Without commitment any endeavor that I pursue will fall apart. Any advice?

Until next time......MUAH
Ne-Na B

Day 21....

I started this blog in attempt to help myself grow as a person by analyzing myself inch by inch. I knew it was going to be hard, no one ever said it was going to be easy, but once I found that people were actually paying attention to the, what I felt was, meaningless nonsense I was writing, feeling, thinking, I got scared. I halted the blog. But although the blog postings stopped, the learning experience never stopped. These last few days have showed me the best ways to help make myself a better person ( or at least I feel they have). I can help myself best by helping others, if it's one person or a million, it's my destiny. It's what I need to do. And this blog is ME and will be me and whatever I'm thinking and whatever cause I'm believing in at the time so I hope you all are prepared to be as passionate about my life as I am. And I promise the deeper my thoughts the "not so all over the place" they will be...lol =)

Let's Get It *MUAH*

Delayed.

Post are temporarily delayed.

Day 3

Today I felt really bad, halfway, because my YOUNGER cousin decided she felt the need to have to tell me how to act in public toward her friends. WHAT THE HECK?!! what kind of mess is that?! Don't you realize I am grown?! She said my bluntness is a tad too much for people who don't know me. But I feel like I should be able to speak my mind and it's not like I'm being rude. First off, let me tell you.....this clown she went to see was young and disrespectful and had the nerve to roll his eyes at me and talk to me like I am one of his peers instead of his elder...he def got the wrong one on the wrong day!! If you're in my presence and I'm basically doing you a favor COME CORRECT or GET PUT IN YOUR PLACE, A CHILD'S PLACE!I couldn't believe it! I only felt bad because my cousin felt like I embarrassed her. And the only reason I am even thinking about the situation is because she isn't the first to say something about it, but then again everyone who has had this same issue is younger than me and they have some very childish associates and I don't play these childish games with them!

It's appearing to me that the first issue I need to address is my initial impression amongst people and my "attitude" towards them. Who's going to be the first to help me address this issue???

Don't bite your tongue, I don't. I need your help, so help me please.

Day 2

Soooo....today while I was pondering more ideas about myself I started to think about how over night I've wanted to be more rebellious and how now I am actually forcing myself to continue this blog (that I JUST started). It's mind boggling to me how one minute I want to do one thing and "get my self together" and the next I want to rebel, chop my hair off, die it red, and make a BOLD statement. It seems like the moment I choose to "do right, get right" some sort of mood changing event occurs that makes me want to scream "F*** the world" and show everybody how much of a bada** I can be. Right now I am fighting myself not to do that because that is the exact person I am working on changing for the better....this is already becoming more of a headache then I thought it would be but I'm not going to give up.....at least not yet! But I need to figure out how to get pass this stage and find out what's next.




The party is just beginning.....Don't leave yet, come back and join me!

Day 1

So, I figured the best way to start this 90 day process would be to do an analysis of some components of myself, starting with my personality. First off, I would like to take a look at how I view myself, how I feel that others view me, and finally I would like to reflect on these matters and analyze what things I can make some positive changes to.

*I view myself as a very vivid individual, with a strong personality. I'm not afraid to speak my mind, I can be very blunt, and I am definitely not the type of person to bite my tongue. I can have the tendency to be a tad bit overly expressive as well. But with that being said, I feel as if I wouldn't be me if I I were missing any of these components.

*I feel as though everyone else views me as a loud, obnoxious, controlling, selfish brat. And on top of that I feel as though everyone takes my bluntness out of context as rudeness.

*As far as traits that can be changed on a positive note, the jury is still out on that notion. But then again that is why this is a growth period.....I am not expected to change over night, and Lord knows 90 days is pushing it with me! lol

So, for approximately the next week or so, the post are going to be centered around me really sort of connecting with myself, discovering myself, and identifying characteristics about myself. I also ask for input as to how you (my readers) view me, and what you think would be a great next step in moving forward with my process. I ask that you please be patient with me, as this is something new that I am trying and I have a feeling that I am going to end up getting a tad bit emotional on my end of this progression line. But let's remember, since you've tuned in....WE'RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER!!LOL

Thanks all! I do look forward to reading your comments and please remember ALL input is welcomed and encouraged, so feel free to share how you view me!

*SMOOCHES*

....until tomorrow